After yesterday I had one heck of a time trying to fall asleep. I took something to help but not even that was enough. I just sat there trying not to cry and let my emotions get the best of me and at some time after 3am I finally fell asleep.

Today has been very nice so far. I feel a lot lighter than I have recently and I’m starting to work again. Maybe it’s because I’m storing it away or know that I’ll be dealing with this again tomorrow. It could be that I know I have to let go and learn to cope, who knows.

What I do know is this:

“…thoroughly unprepared we take the step into the afternoon of life; worse still, we take this step with the false assumption that our truths and ideals will serve us as hitherto. But we cannot live the afternoon of life according to the programme of life’s morning; for what was great in the morning will be little at evening, and what in the morning was true will at evening have become a lie.” ~ Carl G Jung

I found this quote a while back and it was one of the ones that stuck with me. I thought I knew why (because I know I’m transitioning) but now it has an even more profound meaning to me. I know that what I’ve been carrying for him all these years happened at a time in my life for which it was appropriate and now it isn’t so. As much as I love him that will never change but it’s in the way I react to it that can’t be the same. With these thoughts comes a lot of conflict because I DO want to act on what I feel “knowing” he feels the same but I know that it doesn’t fit the place in life where either one of us are now.

It makes me sad knowing that I shouldn’t be telling him the things I have because there’s still so much I’ve never said to him or heard him say. I’m figuring the next conversation we have about it I’ll get out everything I wanted to say and hope he does the same and we can go on pretending it never happened as we (or he) always had.

It’s still early yet, we’ll see what the rest of the day has in store for me.

My heart shattered today. I don’t know why I didn’t expect this, maybe I did but didn’t want to realize it.

I woke up today perfectly happy and convinced it would be a better day, I would get the internet back and talk to him at the least. At 6am I logged on and worked some…he didn’t come on. I started getting antsy but didn’t call him, I told his brother to have him call me instead…he still, never came on. From there I just got completely depressed and started poking around…which I shouldn’t have done. I ended up on his “girlfriend’s” wall to see if she posted what they were doing so if I did call I didn’t bother him. I must have either missed it the other day or she just changed her “welcome” message but…she’s pregnant with another of his children.

My heart exploded and my soul screamed as it broke right then and there and I had no idea what to feel from there on out. I didn’t know HOW to feel anything at all after reading that. I mean, good God, I can’t possibly be jealous…could I? He’s obviously not cheating on me because we aren’t together but that’s exactly how I felt. I probably wouldn’t have reacted that way had he not told me all that he did the other day on the phone and allow me to spill what I did when I did.

He ended up calling me while I was in the shower tonight and I called back a little later, someone hung up on me. I called again after a bit wondering if it was a mistake, no mistake. There was no answer this time and I didn’t leave a message. I started getting confused and sad at the same time but I thought I should call and leave a message so he didn’t think it was M calling as he freaked out, no answer. So I left one. Probably not THE best sounding one but I did all the same.

I already realized the other day that there will never again be the “US” as I had hoped for and came to that realization fully, but deep inside I know I was wishing I was wrong. Wishes are pure crap and I even wish they would go away. There’s a lot of things I “wish” but I know in my heart they’ll never come true.

I love him SO much and I know that we both have our lives (and God knows I don’t want his children, I’m so over having kids) but…something died inside me today reading that. I guess it’s not really that I didn’t think he’d go on with his life but more of I don’t want to know that there is another life. When I talk to him the world stops and it’s just us being us. It’s like a total fantasy or something and I’m wrapped up in the warm glow of joy for the time being. And that’s exactly it, it’s only for the moment and then the moment is gone. Reality comes back and I’m not his and he’s not mine. We’re totally separated by time and space and that’s the one thing I had believed we weren’t separated by. Boy was I lying  my heart or what?!

A “we” we will never be and that breaks my heart into a million pieces every time I think about it. My world shatters and I’m crushed so badly that I almost feel like something is physically pushing down on me. I “wish” there was some kind of guide to dealing with something like this so I never have to feel this way again.

Yesterday our phone went down again so I lost internet access too. It was HORRIBLE! I went through withdrawls as if I was on drugs. I think it may not have been AS bad if he didn’t come back into my life. I called him but he didn’t have his phone and tried to get on with every glitch there was for hours to tell him to call me…he never did and still hasn’t. I know things are different know but seriously, you can’t come back let alone come back and drop something like that one me and I’m supposed to just be okay!

I have anxiety like you wouldn’t believe and it’s the same as when we were kids. I haven’t been this bad anytime between then and now other than morning sickness. It sucks so badly, I totally forgot about the things that come with being in contact with him. Each day that passes where I don’t hear his voice when I’m “so close”  just raises the feeling higher and higher before I eventually burst. I think that’s the worst of all because then I start acting like some lame-o idiot saying all kinds of things that make me look nothing but stupid.When I was younger I remember running home straight after school or wherever I was and wait by the phone. I missed out on quite a few things just so I could talk to him for a few minutes if he called at all. There were times he didn’t and it just about killed me on the inside.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel this way or want to believe he felt even close to similar but I do and there’s not much I can do about it. It is what it is.

I’m hoping there will be a day where you read the things I’ve written and realize how much I truly love you. There isn’t a day that goes by where I wish things could have been different and you never left my side. I know I’ve said it before but there is such a longing within me that I can’t ever ignore and I need you to always know how much you mean to me. You are and always will be “the one” for me and no matter how hard I try I will never be able to replace you.

With each girl I know you are with I wish so much that it was me but know in my heart it won’t ever be in this lifetime. Each time you come back you end up turning the world I know upside down and it seems to take an eternity to get it back after you’ve gone again. When I hear your voice it makes me wish you were right beside me holding me with the love we have like you used to. I’ve missed you for so many years that I can hardly bear it when you find me again, my heart aches and my soul cries in agony knowing we’ll never be together, and all the while feeling as if no time has passed at all.

When the day comes that I know you won’t be calling me again I know that is something I’ll never recover from. I can’t imagine this world without you, EVER and I know that a large part of me will die as well. I already know that the moment I get the news there won’t be a cell in my body screaming for it not to be true and it will echo through my soul. Eventually, when you do leave this world, I pray that one of the last passing thoughts you have is of my deep love for you and the unbreakable bond we’ve shared.

When it is my time, I expect for it to be you to welcome me home so I can be with you in the way I’ve waited for all these years. There is not an ounce of me that will ever not belong to you. Matter how long or how far away you are, you are the best part of me and without you I’m lost.

I love you more than words and no matter how many times I hear you say it there won’t be enough until you are with me by my side and after you’re gone I’ll be waiting. Until then, I’ll be listening for the birds to tap on my window and watching for ants to find me and when they do I will know it is you.

I wasn’t trying to get all sappy already…I mean my God, it’s only been a few days already! Sometimes I could smack myself for the stupid things I do but…without further ado…Our Song! (just one of them and it still makes me cry)

I had a major blow thrown at me today. He might be dying. I was SO elated just yesterday when I “talked” to him and today was such a polar opposite. His status message today was one of deep meaning and full of beauty with not a dry eye to be found by those who read it. I was able to catch him and asked what it was all about, he responded “I have cancer”.

Apparently he found out roughly six years ago that he had stomach cancer and was treated with chemo because he was too stubborn to let them operate…figures. He’s been in remission for about five years or so but has been feeling sick again, whatever that means. I know he’s downplaying a bunch of things that he says to me so I won’t worry. He won’t know for a while if the cancer is back but my feeling is that it might be and there’s not much time left.

I was able to spend some time talking to him today and it was one of the best things that has happened in a long time. Our story is SO incredibly complicated but besides him trying to contact me every so often I know (now more than ever) how much he loves me. During our conversation I went through just about every emotion there is and I came out reassured for the first time in a long one how strong our bond really is.

I’ve missed him so much through out the years and it’s so hard for me to grasp that he may not be around much longer. I pray that God and his spirit allow him to stay here long enough to visit those of us he left behind soon and allow us spend some lasting quality moments with him.The funny part is that the dream I had of us was one of togetherness near the end. I’ve always imagined that we would spend those last few years together finally being able to finish what we started so long ago.

I don’t know what I’ll do without him but I can say that a large part of me will die when he does. I know that’s not an entirely spiritual thing to say but there’s no going around this one. Just thinking about it begins to burn a hole inside me and I can only begin to know how vast that void will be when the time comes.  I hope that time is no where in the near future but if he does leave us too soon, I can only hope that it will be him waiting for me as I’ve done here; welcoming me home and we can finally be together and stay in the eternal happiness I wish we could have shared here.

He’s been the light that keeps me going even through time and space

He’s the one that puts a smile on my face

He’s the touch I long for so much

He’s the warmth when I’m embraced

He’s the love of my life and can never be replaced

He noticed today that I was online and probably just figured out the chat feature knowing him. He IMed me and I felt butterflies. I didn’t know how to react, should I be excited or subdued? Do I jump and show my eagerness or do I not even answer?

I answered and tried not to scare him with any over excitement. LOL It was hard not to though. It’s been SO many years since I’ve heard his voice or seen his face. Words can’t begin to describe how I feel. Of course he was his normal self, being as sarcastic as ever and throwing around “I love yous” as if it were just a thing to say.

I tried not to hurt but it did. Tears ran through my eyes as if I were still that little girl begging for him to stay and love me. I haven’t felt tears like that in longer than I can remember…but I know that’s what they were as soon as they came. I tried hard with every ounce of me not to believe the things he was saying, not only because I know him only to speak half-truths but because I don’t want feel the searing pain I know that is on its way. The problem with this is that I knew it had already arrived the second I saw his name within the title of the email and it was only a matter of time before it bore its ugly teeth.

It’s too late for me. We will probably dance around each other like were are in a well coordinated tango in a never ending ballroom. I’ll dismiss, then I will believe that he cares and eventually I’ll come to find that he really doesn’t and just toys with the emotions he knows I still hold. I’ll cry as if nothing has changed although everything has and he will just ask “why?”. This is what I know won’t ever change…I hope that I’m incredibly wrong this time but how many “this times” has there been?

Unfortunately he did return and I was more than devastated. He didn’t say goodbye…he never says goodbye, just leaves. We had phone calls and a few letters (which we both have kept) but I knew it would never be the same again. I had lost my everything and there was no turning back. We went back and forth with our being together the weapon of choice. It was thrown around that if he were to come back would I be with him and if I would be with him if he would come back. Without him here by my side I felt helpless and alone and there was nothing I could do about it…it was the end of us, or so I thought.

Life went on eventually as it does. I dated and so did he, I had a child and so did he. He came back and saw me once or twice but it would never be the same. Not a thing about it was. He was always the same person but things had changed so drastically that I would be lucky on a cold day in hell for him to even acknowledge what was so sacred to me.

He never stopped trying to be in my life though. He’d call every other year and then it became every three. One time it was even within six months. Of course I have a jealous boyfriend who wouldn’t let me get anything in during one of those calls and I thought I’d never speak to my love again.

Things will never be the same and that’s what breaks my heart every time I hear his voice. I wish more than anything that we could go back, even for just a moment to what we had. I realize now that  I’ve been unconsciously waiting all these years for him to come back to me knowing it will never happen. Deep within me there is a hole that will never be filled by anyone but him. Lots of people, especially women, talk a lot about “soulmates”. I never believed that there was such a thing until now. I know he is mine and it pains me everyday knowing that we will just keep doing the same dance we’ve done for all these years and there would never be anything different.I’ve missed him more than he could ever know…

I pray that this time will be different.

As with every day I woke up and sat down to check my email in case I need to alter my routine in any way. Today was different though. I received an email saying that the love of my life (my “goodest friend”) was trying to connect with me through Facebook. Gotta love that Facebook! Immediately I could feel the rush of emotion run though my veins.”I finally have him back” is all I could think.

I’ll elaborate more than a little for you.

We met when I was 12 and he was 15 as all teeny boppers/teenagers did at the time, at the mall. Just saying that alone makes me feel old as hell. LOL I dated his friend and he dated mine but there was a connection between us right from the start. Eventually we dated different friends of ours but still remained closer than ever. I didn’t realize at the time how profound this friendship would be in my life but I knew there was something there that was irreplaceable.

We argued quite constantly about idiotic things that meant absolutely nothing of what was the root of the issue. Again, this I didn’t realize. My thoughts of retrospect are that he knew what I didn’t and wouldn’t be upfront with me or himself about what was going on. I cried a lot but being that young had no idea why. At that age you assume that “love” is just a “thing” and not the deep emotion it truly is.

After some time he decided it was time to take the trip across the country to where he calls home. I pleaded and begged for him to stay having not one day focused away from trying to convince him otherwise. There were long phone calls, many hang ups, and continuous bickering. At some point during this time he put the return on hold and we became a couple. I can’t recall how it happened but I’m ever grateful that it did. Those few days were the happiest I’ve ever had to this day. I can remember the warmth of his touch and the softness in his smile as if it were yesterday. Being with him was like becoming whole and there wasn’t a worry to be had. It was just us and time seemed to stop whenever we were together.

To be continued…